Lately all my writing occurs during the nap hours of the weekend afternoon. 2-4pm, what a lovely time, Cecilia all snug as a larvae and Nathan happily entranced by Transformers. No – not the Michael Bay movies (I could hardly expect an intelligent four year old to be complacent watching a movie so clearly written by an intoxicated imbecile. “Mommy, why did Starscream just walk out of the back of the Air and Space Museum into a desert?”
Okay, so Nathan hasn’t been to Washington, but Cecilia has, and I’m sure if she could express herself coherently she would be screaming in protest.)
What does this have to do with hair cutting? Nothing really. However, if I could find a Transformer to cut my son’s hair I’m sure he would prefer that to the Croatian barber we take him too. It is an experience not unlike Tooth brushing (see previous entry). Not even the enticement of a tooth rotting, carcinogenic Red Die Number #40 on a stick is enough to pull him through without much gnashing of teeth. So what did I do when my daughter’s pale brown locks began to brush the tops of her eyelashes? Did I take her to the dreaded Torture House (a.k.a. Kid’s Cutland)? No – I thought (stupidly), “why not cut these bangs myself?”
A little history here: for my mother, I am child number 5. In other words, by the time I had come along, mom had figured out the most efficient methods of parenting. Hair cutting was no exception. Mom’s method? Take a piece of scotch tape, plaster it across the offending bangs on the forehead of your seven-year-old daughter and then cut neatly along the top of the tape. Presto! Bango! Nice evenly cut bangs (think the well cut lines of a 1960s Paul McCartney ‘Do), and the scotch tape adheres to the falling hair. No mess to clean up - job done and humiliation provided in less than 5 minutes!
Who could think of such brilliance other than an experienced parent?
Of course, like much abuse, it is passed on generation to generation, so hence I would apply the same technique to my daughter; strapped her into the highchair, threw a few cheerios down, on with the scotch tape – snip, snip. Done! (Do you think the CEOs of 3M ever would think of such an application?)
This process was all taken in under the watchful eyes of young Mr. Nathan. Nothing was said at the time, but little did I know what was running through that Red Head – I was soon to find out.
Next day we arrive, as per usual, 5 minutes late, to pick up Cecilia and Nathan from their beloved “May’s Daycare”. On this particular day, faces were solemn.
“We’ve had an incident,” says May. “Nathan, do you want to tell mommy what you did today?”
I looked at Nathan, my mind instantly imaging the worse; hitting, swearing, throwing, or (heaven forbid), ultra conservatism (if you know Nathan, you would understand why I am concerned). Nathan didn’t speak. He slowly blinked his eyes, lowering his chin - an expression I knew all to well – guilt. I looked to May, anxiously awaiting her explanation.
That afternoon, May left Nathan and Samantha, working alone on their construction paper cut outs, while she went to put the babies down for naps. When she returned, she found Nathan hard at work, carefully cutting foot long chunks of meticulously grown brown hair from Samantha’s head. He was extremely surprised to find himself in trouble, citing that he was only cutting Sam’s hair at her request (Nathan’s turn was next).
One might ask - why were two four year olds left alone with scissors? I’m not one to point fingers here – I’m just happy that Samantha’s mother laughed when she saw the 1980’s punk look that Nathan had applied to her daughters head (and didn’t threaten exclusion from future play dates).
My only concern now is that the whole hair cutting experience has now been elevated to new levels of anxiety in Nathan’s mind. Not only is it an extremely stressing and fearful a process, but now it will bring back overwhelming feelings of guilt. So, my suggestion? Hasbro – get on making that haircutting Transformer! Perhaps you can team up with 3M, use a patented scotch tape process, and all will be good.
